Nigel

fightthefad @ 2006-01-17T21:51:00

2006-01-18T06:05:04Z

sometimes i just get in these weird reflective moods that make me want to write in here. reflection is a good thing. it intertwines with all that nostalgia stuff which i suppose is such a big part of society these days, for whatever reasons. people just don't seem to be content with the conditions in which we live in today. i can understand why, though. i've been realizing now more than ever before just how much everyday situations are so easy to absorb, and it's really what you absorb from the experience that defines who you are and what kind of a person you really are. there are so many things i could share, but what i gained is really what's worth sharing. i think that's something that people should really hold on to a little bit tighter, rather than just talking about what happened, who said what, and all of that superficial shit that just doesn't really matter. it's just a whole lifestyle of living that i've completely retired from, quite unconsciously, though. and i'm really glad to have taken that big leap backward and to have the ability to look at certain situations with a different point of view that i don't think many people are accustomed to, or would understand, really. i just love this whole life thing and what it has to offer so much sometimes that it's almost too overwhelming.

is it scary for you?

2005-12-13T06:06:25Z

my, my, my. (yours, yours, yours makes just as much sense. everyone else is reading this too, i'm assuming.) so much things to say. (get it? thanks lauryn.) anyway, i could choose to brag or choose to not. (choose/loose/chose/lose.) i've made a lot of changes (with the man in the mirror. get it? thanks michael.) recently. i wouldn't want to explain all of them, but life is amazing in the way it twists and turns with no warnings or explanations. there are so many concepts and things i'm finally getting a chance to understand the way that i want to understand them - understanding the way i want to mold and shape my thoughts into a way that makes perfect sense to me, yet articulates them into a way that is easy to understand. simplicity, in a sense. anyway, it's interesting how life has taken us (individually and not) down these complicated roads that aren't explainable to anybody, and leads us to the end - a climax, in a sense, or not. so, it either takes us someplace, or it dumps us off in an area that isn't enclosed with closure or anything to seal the space in our head where we hold the experience. don't worry - this isn't the first time i've come across this, or appreciated it to its full capacity. it's just a good time to give it some acknowledgement.

fightthefad @ 2005-12-03T16:38:00

2005-12-04T00:47:44Z

for once, as usual, i don't know what i want. i mean, i know what i want, but i don't know what i want, and i do, and i don't, and it's one of those never ending things that we all have come to know and love. well, well, well. in other news, two weeks from today, i'll be looking at stevie wonder. baby, everything is alright.

abnormal.

2005-10-24T23:56:29Z

apparently.

UGH.

fightthefad @ 2005-10-20T12:29:00

2005-10-20T19:33:11Z

...he loves me. clearly.

stand under.

2005-10-14T02:57:29Z

despite all of this loneliness, i just want to be left alone.

i know. it doesn't make any cents.

fightthefad @ 2005-10-09T23:54:00

2005-10-10T06:56:07Z

to be quite contradictory, it's just because it's illegal.

fightthefad @ 2005-10-04T19:46:00

2005-10-05T02:48:27Z

haven't you realized that all of the entries i write in here are directed to you?

fightthefad @ 2005-09-25T23:05:00

2005-09-26T06:05:32Z

fuck.

if only she knew how much truth there was to it.

2005-09-03T08:43:20Z

think of him as a brother rather than as a distant stranger.

it makes sense, i promise.

2005-07-30T06:04:19Z

i'm feeling quite strangely. everyone seems to be drunk. people, stop getting drunk. it's not good for you and it makes you look bad. but then again, who am i to criticize something i've never done before? who am i to criticize anything? do you know who you are to criticize anything? probably not. but you probably do it anyway. people like to criticize. i wonder if people like to criticize me "behind my back." okay enough of that word. it looks strange.

i want answers to questions that probably won't ever be answered. i want to know why i have feelings that i have, and why they never get reciprocated, and then i end up feeling like i get absolutely nothing. in reality, i don't get absolutely nothing. it's just how i feel sometimes. because i don't seem to get what i want a lot of the time. "fantasy is what people want but reality is what they need."

at work, i have a hard time putting lids on frappucinos after i apply(?) the whipped cream to the top of them. i always make a mess. today this strangely attractive boy told me that it was okay and to just give it to him. it made me feel stupid and then i didn't care. i didn't realize that he was watching me, though. which is a good thing, or else i would have made an even bigger mess. i think he was wearing a pink tie. i was wearing a blue one. i felt like i knew him from somewhere.

i wish alysa wasn't away from woodland hills. i've been missing her a lot and i think that's why i feel sad tonight. it's been a really long time since her and i have gone without seeing each other like this. i don't like it. she is my drug and i have quite the dependency. anyway, tacha is probably looking at stevie nicks right this second. how odd.

today i learned how to spell "therefor."

2005-07-20T04:43:03Z

Innovations hang on only by those who choose to remember. You used to tell me about your soft-shell approaches and intellectual harvests, and I'm only being exposed now to a hard-boiled screen, involving lifelike mannerisms as well as technicolor dreams. Your headgear is slowly changing from a hierarchy where only Christ and the majority rules to a beehive full of horoscopes and majority fools. The indiscreet induction into this so-called "hall of fame" indicates an instrumental appreciation. Do not hold me onto your synthetic pedestal. I am nothing short of a bucket of instability and marvelous performances of personal triumphs and tribulations.

good morning, kids.

2005-07-16T09:21:36Z

i went to work today (yesterday?) and met some of my co-workers. they all seem to be nice people. yes, i work at starbucks. later, tacha, kyle, cole, and i went to barnes & noble to wait in line for tacha's copy of the new harry potter book. she got it, and now she's "complete." tomorrow (today?) i am having breakfast with my brother. tomorrow (today?) is saturday. i like saturdays. i like weekends. i like days, too. i need tickets to the white stripes concert. i need to see my alter-ego, mr. jack white. this reminds me of a conversation i had with alysa. i wish i could re-call the words, but i only remember something being funny, and the kind of funny that it was. i want a dog. so that with it, i can jog. it will look into the fog, and tell me about the game of pogs it played with some other dog that was the same color as a log. then he will speak to me about a sip of egg-nog it had last christmas-time. perhaps he will tell me how much money it cost him in terms of a dime. then we can finish our conversation and squeeze the juice out of a lime, and that way, i can marinate some tofu in it, since i'm an animal lover, and not an animal eater, and tofu is good for those who are like us.

give him the victory.

2005-07-02T06:15:56Z

i tried talking. i tried making the best. even my drunken haze couldn't bump up my dissapointment. but i don't even think that was it. i wish that were it. i wish it weren't the fact that i'm lost without you. the fact that there's no one else for me. the fact that i've become so dependant on how good you make me feel.

every chorus is written for us to recite.

2005-06-24T05:24:09Z

i am a blank canvas waiting to be painted on.

a text?

2005-06-20T06:26:49Z

people talk too much. or maybe it just depends on the person and sometimes i can't stand it. today was sort of nice. i sat at borders in santa monica and did algebra and read. once again, summer is just around the corner, and i couldn't be any more thrilled.

the only reason i'm writing in here is for you. i thought i would have something more exciting to say to you. i guess not.

Everybody knows that they're guilty.

2005-06-18T15:51:16Z

I want to understand you. I've been lying to myself. I don't belong anywhere in LA. I'm not fake enough.

get out of my head.

2005-06-04T06:47:28Z

you need to get out. you need to get out of my mouth, of my head, of my dreams, of my fingers, just get out.

i'm feeling about 13598475 different things right now and it's not fun.

water.

2005-05-10T04:08:18Z

it's so weird how sometimes it seems like a certain feeling or a certain emotion is all that you have, and then you realise that what you seemed to need was only what you thought you wanted. and you wonder how it seemed that it was so necessary, when now, all of the sudden, you can see the situation from all angles since you're not blindsided by strange emotions anymore.

in other news, i have a few little things to look forward to for the near future. i won't be redundant and list them off because i feel like it cheapens the thrill the more i talk about it.

right now i have paint all over my hands and i wonder how everyone else is doing today.

fightthefad @ 2005-04-30T00:11:00

2005-04-30T07:11:52Z

consider me a happy boy.

this is (sur)real.

2005-04-22T05:51:31Z

i want to understand but i can't. i just can't. i want to ask someone (you) to explain but then i'm too scared of understanding. there's absolutely nothing i can do.
granted, just get out.

fightthefad @ 2005-04-13T18:14:00

2005-04-14T01:15:10Z

We give rise to ego by being insecure
The advice that we go desperately searching for
The subconscious effort to support our paramour
To engage in denial, to admit we're immature
Validating lies, Mr. Intentional
Open up yours eyes, Mr. Intentional
Stuck in a system that seeks to suck your blood
Held emotionally hostage by what everybody does
Counting all the money that you give them just because
Exploiting ignorance in the name of love
Stop before you drop because that's just the way it was
Please don't justify me, Mr. Intentional.

i want hair extensions.

2005-03-25T05:54:42Z

today i went to santa barbara with justin, alysa, kyle, cole, and travis. santa barbara is such a beautiful city. today was one of these half cloudy and half sunny days that we've been having often lately, and the ocean was amazing. i was sitting on a bench in front of it, just thinking to myself about a lot of things that needed to be thought about. the sun was out, and it was reflecting onto the water and the sparkles were skating across the ocean for what seemed to be just for my admiration, or, for anyone else's admiration, if they weren't too busy getting wrapped up in things that really don't matter.

i'm really sad that this week is almost over because it's been going almost perfectly. i've been with justin a lot, which is always perfect, even when we argue. because basically, i love being with him.

i love this picture that cassie took at lunch the other day...

fightthefad @ 2005-03-03T22:59:00

2005-03-04T07:09:09Z

well. it hurts.

these are my antics.

2005-02-18T20:00:10Z

i wanted to be alone, and now i'm not quite sure what to do with myself. i sleep too much. i need alysa and tacha. staying home from school is the way to do it on days like this. days where water pours out of the sky and never ends. i was gonna go to canada this summer but i'm not going anymore.